A Great Big Grizzly
by leslie grace
Summary: An assembly of delicious one-shots or two-shots of Emmett being Emmett. Humorous. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Let's Get a Bowling Alley Part One

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**_

_**A/N: Okay so this is a new story I wanted to start, and it is another humor-fluff story before you ask. It will be written in a third-person POV so you can see everything a once. Most likely, there won't be a plot. It will just be a bunch of assembled one-shots of Emmet doing crazy things. Jasper may be in on this at certain points too. Just to let you know, this is after Breaking Dawn. Enjoy!**_

_**-leslie**_

Emmet stood out in the open next to the house. His hands sat on his hips as if he were a female as he surveyed the land.

"Perfect." He almost-whispered with a mischievous smile.

**

The entire family was assembled in the living room to hear Emmet's plans. Bella was talking animatedly to Renesmee, and Carlisle and Esme were cuddled up on the sofa. Jasper was trying to calm Alice down as she bounced in her seat, already having had a vision of the whole thing. Edward was almost as eager as Alice after reading her mind, but it was a little bit more difficult for him to look like a wound-up child with his six-foot frame.

Rosalie sat in a chair reading a fashion magazine, the only one not anticipating Emmet's announcement. She was used to his crazy antics, and didn't feel the need to get all buzzed about one of his crazy ploys. She could laugh later; right now she needed to find that Tiffany's necklace she was getting Alice for Christmas while she was occupied with whatever Emmet was going to do.

Busting through the door, Emmet ran right up to Carlisle. Unbeknownst to everyone else, he'd just used half a bottle of eye drops to make his eyes look more watery, and he was trying very hard to get to Carlisle before they could dry up again. He took a deep, unneeded breath and started talking in his sweetest voice. He even hunched a little to make himself look smaller and more child-like, a nearly impossible feat for the grizzly of a man. "Daddy can we pleeeeeeease get a bowling alley?"

Esme giggled, thinking about how Emmet trying to persuade her husband with the 'Daddy's little princess' bit was the funniest thing she'd ever seen. Rosalie nearly laughed out loud when she noticed Emmet curl his lip into a pout. Edward and Alice shouted a lively 'Yeah!' simultaneously, and Renesmee was sneaking up to Carlisle, already in on the plan. Bella and Jasper smiled at each other, finding it just as humorous as everyone else, but acting more reserved.

Poor Carlisle seemed a little dazed, not ready to give in yet, but unsure of how to say no. Then all of the sudden, five foot three Renesmee had crawled into his lap and put her arms around his neck. She was really good at the part Emmet had tried to play. She batted her long eyelashes. "Please Grandpa? I promise we'll only make it two lanes. And we could even let Grandma design it so it's not tacky 'n' stuff. Pretty pretty please with some bloody cherries on top?"

At this show, Carlisle couldn't help but grin. "Of course we can get a bowling alley Nessie!" She gave him a big kiss on his cheek and hopped out of his lap.

Then Emmet broke into a grin and started dancing around like a spastic lobster. "Yeah yeah yeah, we get a bowling alley, oh yeah!" he chanted religiously. This was his standard celebration for any victory. Renesmee even joined in, dancing but not chanting.

They turned to each other and did their special high five handshake they'd made up years ago and then continued dancing. Edward pondered how it was even possible to not agree to every wish of the devils when they worked together.

Alice shrieked. "I can buy us team uniforms and shoes!" Then she ran off to get her Mac book, ready to shop already. She called down the stairs, "Who's on what team?"

Emmet held out a list. "Alright so here's how it will go: me, Nessie, Eddie, Rosie, and Jaz on one team, and Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Jake, and Esme on the other."

Alice returned. "Nu-uh. Me and Jazzy are on the same team. Bella and Edward will probably want the same team too. And Nessie and Jake. And you can't have all the good players!"

Bella chuckled. "Have any of you ever even bowled before? Jake and I would probably be the best players because we have experience."

Emmet's face froze on the list in contemplation for a moment. Then he modified it with a pen. "Why you're absolutely right Alice! This isn't fair at all! The new teams are me, Jake, Bella, Jaz, and Edward, and then Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Nessie, and Rosie."

Everyone laughed. Carlisle finally spoke up. "Hey I'm paying for it, so I get to choose. Besides, who says that Jake will even want to play?"

"I do!" Jake chimed, coming through the door without knocking. It was pretty much his home too Nessie squealed and then ran over and stretched onto her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the lips. He took her hand and the two of them sat on the living room floor. "So what are we talking about?" He asked.

"We're getting a bowling alley and are trying to decide on teams!" Nessie explained.

"Awesome! I bowl a 150 on average!" He boasted.

Bella stuck up her nose and smugly said, "That's nothing. I bowl a 160. It's the only thing I've ever been able to do with my coordination. Plus, I bet I'm even better now with my transformation and new senses." She teased.

Jacob stuck his tongue out at her and she stuck hers out back at him.

Once again Carlisle spoke. "Okay. Then how 'bout we have Bella versus everyone else?"

Half the room chuckled. Esme stood up and addressed them dramatically. "I see that mother really does know best. I'll have to decide if this is going to be fair," She said, throwing a glance to Emmet. Carlisle smiled proudly. "The teams will be Edward, Bella, Alice, and Jasper against Emmet, Rosalie, Jacob, and Renesmee. Carlisle and I can choose our teams or referee or something. That okay dear?"

Carlisle nodded. "I won't be able to play most of the time anyway with my hospital work, and Esme likes to make sure you don't cheat. Perfect."

"So, where do we buy supplies to build and maintain a bowling alley?" Jasper wondered out loud.

"I got it covered dude." Emmet announced.

_**A/N: I'm splitting this chapter into two because it was pretty long. Post the next one soon-ish.**_

_**-leslie**_


	2. Bowling Alley, Part Two

_**A/N: HELLO EVERYBODY!!!!! Haven't updated this story since 1901 lol…**_

_**Well em, here's the second bowling alley chapter!**_

_**-leslie grace**_

The family stood in a semi circle outside the house.

They wondered at Emmet.

_He could have been a great construction worker…_ Carlisle thought silently.

Edward laughed. "Please. He wouldn't work this hard at anything unless it benefited him."

Carlisle shrugged. Alice squealed. "I TOLD you guys it would be awesome!"

She ran inside the brand new bowling alley that had popped up in the Cullen yard overnight.

Everyone looked at each other. Then back at the doors of the bowling alley. Which burst open at that moment.

Emmet paraded out, looking like a bowling drag queen. He had sports goggles like the geek in DODGEBALL wore, and shorts that were a bit too short. His hair was slicked back with a pound of hair gel, and he carried in his hand a giant crimson bowling ball. His outfit was color coordinated in the same crimson and a brilliant gold. His face was entirely serious.

"Let's play ball."

**

Edward, Bella, and Jasper stood looking in disbelief at Alice.

"What is with these uniforms?!" Edward asked.

"Yeah seriously, the other team has awesome colors, and we get THIS?" Jasper joined in.

"Oh come on guys, your such babies. Pink and blue are perfectly fine." Bella said with a roll of her eyes.

"Yeah, seriously! And they don't have the cool baseball stripes like us! All they have are lamo bowling collars." Alice agreed, defending her choices.

Jasper and Edward glanced at each other. _Kill me. _Jasper thought. Edward nodded in agreement.

"Come on you sissies, let's bowl!" Emmet shouted as his team broke their huddle. Jake and Renesmee high-fived. Rosalie picked up her ball; it was crimson, matching Emmet's in everything but size. She stepped up to the lane. Threw the ball. Hit two pins on the end. Stormed back to the group. Threw the ball again. Hit one.

Jasper and Edward laughed. Bella elbowed Edward and Alice shoved a ball into Jasper's hands.

"Alice, honey, I love you, but I don't love you this much." He said, nodding his head to the ball. It was bubble-gum pink and had Jasper's name written on it in blue. Cautiously, Edward glanced at the other pink ball, and sighed in relief when he saw Alice's name on it.

"Jazzy, we have to match though! All the other couples do!"

"But pink?"

"Yes pink! Now bowl!"

Reluctantly, he stepped up to the line and threw a nice curve ball that went straight to the gutter. The next one followed suit.

"What was that Jasper?!" Bella said, with her competitive side coming out for the first time.

He shrugged. "I've never played before."

"That's no excuse!"

"Now come on Bella, let's just let it go. Besides, Emmet's next. He's bound to suck." Alice said, throwing in a smug grin for Emmet at the end.

He made a kissy face at her and picked up his twenty-pound ball.

"Watch my ski-zi-zills." He said proudly. And lined himself up, looking very much like a bowling pro. Then, he turned around, set the ball on the ground, and granny-bowled like no one had ever granny-bowled before. He saw it going too fast, and immediately chased after it. But the floors were covered in wax. He fell.

The ball managed a strike.

But it also went straight through the wall.

"Daaa-aaaad, Emmet broke the bowling alley!" Jasper called in between laughs. Everyone else was doubled over in a fit of giggles.

"Did not!"

*FIN*

_**A/N: Yeah that one was kind of lame. I had a story plan set up for this, but I couldn't remember what it was so I just tried to write something. Sorry.**_

_**-leslie grace**_


	3. Gleaking

_**A/N: Hey y'all! Haven't updated this in forever, but I have been thinking a lot about ideas for it! Some topics:**_

_**Emmet Terrorizes McDonalds**_

_**Emmet Terrorizes Girl Scouts**_

_**Emmet Takes Nessie to See the Loch Ness Monster**_

_**Emmet Gives Sex Ed**_

_**Emmet Watches Dora the Explorer**_

_**Emmet Talks to Playgirl**_

_**Emmet Has a Wolf Sleepover**_

_**Emmet Goes to an Amusement Park**_

_**Emmet Gets Addicted to Myspace**_

_**Emmet Pukes up in Edward's Car**_

_**Emmet's Wally-World Adventures**_

_**Emmet's Christmas Adventure: What Happens when you Call Santa a Hoe-hoe-hoe!**_

_**Emmet's Glitter-ific Adventures**_

_**Everybody excited? Good! Go onto my profile and vote for your favorite topics, and I will write those first.**_

_**First Topic to hit fifteen votes gets written!**_

_**But for now, we are going to go with the Emmet Gleaks story.**_

_**And just to tell y'all, I'm having a bad writing day. I can't seem to write anything worth a damn. But this is the only time I'll have to write this, so I kinda had to. Sorry!**_

_**-leslie grace**_

Emmet sat around with a bag of Cheetos. He wasn't eating them, because, well, he was a vampire. But he'd been having a TV comedy marathon all day, and some hick had talked about sitting butt-naked in a lawn chair with Cheetos. Emmet thought it sounded like fun.

Unfortunately, Emmet couldn't experience the eating or the naked part of that fantasy. Nessie had the day off from school and was far too young, in his mind, to see a guy naked. And if he ate the Cheetos, he'd have to puke them up later. But he was pretty happy about the indoor lawn chair.

The comedian shows had ended a few hours ago. Now he was watching the non-real real-life funny shows. His eyes widened with interest.

"Did you just GLEAK on me?!" The blonde teenage girl shrieked.

Her little brother giggled stupidly and some liquid shot out from in front of his front teeth, landing smack dab on her forehead. "Yup!" He shouted at her.

The girl then proceeded to run around and scream at him, trying to bash his head in, but none of this registered in Emmet's mind. He was too fascinated with this idea of 'gleaking'.

**

"Bella! Teach me how to gleak PLEASE!" Emmet shouted while jumping up and down on her bed. She cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Umm?"

"Come on please! You're the only one who can teach me! Just tell me how to do it!"

Bella giggled. She'd never gleaked before. But she did remember the lessons Jake had given Seth years and years ago.

"Okay. So.. Um. Just. Gather some spit in your mouth first." She instructed him, feeling silly.

Emmet's face twisted around. First was excitement, then confusion, then anger.

"Bella! I don't think vampires make spit!" His mouth didn't feel dry, but he couldn't seem to gather any moisture.

Bella's eyes widened as she tried and failed as well. "Wow. That's weird."

Emmet pouted. "I want to GLEAK!!" He whined. Then his eyes lit up. He ran to the bathroom. Ran the water in the sink. Put some in his mouth and dashed back in to see Bella.

"Now what?" He managed through the water. It sounded like he was gurgling. Bella laughed again.

"Just gather a little water against your front teeth, use your tongue like a bowl, press it against the bottom of your top teeth, and when your ready, lower your tongue some and then spit it as hard as you can at the same time.

Emmet's face became determined. He focused and then, with a huge grin, gleaked out a mini-tidal wave of water towards Bella's face. She ducked just in time and it splat against the wall.

"I have to teach Jasper this!"

**

Carlisle sat going over some of his patients records. He had a new one, a wealthy man from the Middle East with a blood disease he couldn't quite figure out, which was really something for a vampire doctor of standards such as Carlisle. He heard a knock at the door. He cleared his throat and called out a pleasant, "Come in!"

Esme entered with a huge grin plastered on her face. "Carlisle, you have to see what Emmet and Jasper are doing."

Carlisle gave her a questioning look.

"Just follow me."

Outside next to a tree, the family stood in a semi-circle. They watched in amazement as Jasper and Emmet had some sort of contest. As Carlisle walked closer, he realized what was going on.

There was shattered glass on the ground next to the base of a large tree, and against the tree was a pane of glass. On the ground next to the pane were other panes split into two piles: one with new glass, and the other with glass full of little holes and millions of cracks. Emmet and Jasper were _spitting _at the glass against the tree.

"OH YEAH!" Emmet screamed and high-fived Jasper. He had just spit at the glass, and now there was a small hole in it, but no cracks.

"What are you guys doing?" Carlisle asked incredulously.

"Well Bella taught me how to gleak and I taught Jasper and we've been trying to spit holes through the glass without cracking it all afternoon." Emmet answered simply.

"And they won't clean up all the shattered glass! What if some poor animal steps on it?" Renesmee demanded.

"Chillax small fry. Your boyfriend will survive if he steps on it." Emmet rolled his eyes at her. But she was having none of that.

Renesmee marched up to their water bottles, took a swig, and gleaked it right into Emmet's face.

The circle erupted in laughter. Emmet looked lost for a moment. Then he got a wicked grin on his face and spit at Jasper, who spit back.

In moments it was a war between Emmet, Jasper, Edward, and surprisingly, Nessie. Carlisle walked back inside with a smile.

_**A/N: Terrible writing and execution, but I liked the idea!**_


End file.
